I'VE [so] BECOME [numb]

[[R].ebel]

..::I've Become so Numb::..

..I Can't Feel You There::..

Another year. Another year with the void. Nothing could stop that aching feeling he felt in his chest. Something was missing, gone. And the worst part about it was, he didn't know what. A void was left in his hollow chest, nothing there. It was a hollow, lonely feeling; a feeling of nothingness and yet it ached.

The young black colt, rather large for his age, stood on a small hill located in the rolling grasslands. He stood out against the green grass of the spring, the sign of new life, but the colt felt like death. Lonliness had a feeling that just could not be matched; even greif could not match the feeling of this hollow lonliness. It hurt him so to know that something was missing but not know what it was he was missing. It all centered on this one black stallion the young colt continued to see in his recurring dreams and he couldn't help but call the stallion 'Father'. It was instinct within him, and it was who he guessed he missed, but to be absolutely certain was out of the question. With him having lost his family at such a young age, Lightning could not correctly recall them and therefore stood alone in this world. Numb to all feelings but this one;

Lonliness.

[[esperanza]]

Yesterday Esperanza had caught her reflection in the river.

Her muzzle was turning gray.

~*~

She was grazing with the herd when she looked up and saw Lightning standing on the hill in front of her. A pain shot through Esperanza's heart; that poor black foal was an orphen as far as anyone else in the herd knew, and no horse should have to go through that. Maternal instincts kicking in, the palomino mare started walking up to him. The effort tired her more than it should have.

"Is everything all right, little one?" she nickered softly as she approached the foal, reaching her head down to nip gently at his mane.

[[R].ebel]

'Is everything all right, little one?'

An ear twitched to the sound of a voice, but not another move was made. Gaze cast out onto the distant land, they searched longingly for something; anything that was a sign of hope, but alas, nothing. A gentle tug at his short mane, pulled the young colt out of his stare, head turning to look upon the familiar palomino mare whom he had met before. Esperanza was his name, Lightning would not forget. She had found him alone in the woods, and she was probably the first since his mother for Lightning to speak to.

With a gentle sigh, Lightning looked to the ground, eyes clouded with thoughts which is a gaze that a two year old colt shouldn't be seen with. Was everything alright? 'No... nothing is alright....' Lightning found himself ask and answer the question in his mind, but he wasn't sure if he should speak up. Now a year older than he was, Lightning was already losing that child-like quality a colt should have, having not played or romped around as a colt should. Instead, he was acting distant and depressed, in a not so sad way, which are emotions older colts or adults should know about, not such a young colt. With another sigh, Lightning spoke up, his voice holding no tone but a blank one... and if anyone knew of him, the would have swore it was.

"Nothing is alright... I feel... alone..."

[[esperanza]]

'Nothing is alright... I feel... alone...'

Ears twitched to his words, brown eyes pooling with compassion. Esperanza nickered and nudged his neck. "You're not alone, Lightning," she said. "Not here."

She followed his searching gaze. Over there, the mountains rose defiantly to meet the sky, there tops still glittering with snow. On the other side of the horizon the grasslands went on until, eventually, they blurred into desert. Behind them was forested land.

What was he searching for? Esperanza was concerned about Lightning. No foal should have to feel so distant.

[[R].ebel]

'You're not alone, Lightning. Not here.'

Unfortanutely, Lightning found little comfort from her words. He knew she was here beside him, and yet Lightning could not shake that aching lonliness in his chest. Looking up at the elder mare, Lightning spoke again.

"...but I feel alone... in here..."

Dipping his head, Lightning touched his chin to his chest, trying to point out it was his heart he felt lonely in. Lightning couldn't explain it very well, but he knew something was missing, and every day it was missing, it seemed to hurt him more. Looking for answers, he asked the mare, looking up at her with a yearning gaze.

"What does it mean? Why does it hurt so much? Can I stop it?"

[[esperanza]]

'...but I feel alone... in here...What does it mean? Why does it hurt so much? Can I stop it?'

Esperanza's heart broke as Lightning dipped his head to his heart. Because when her son had been his age, he had been frolicking with the other foals. Because she was a campassionate mare by nature, and she wanted to help him in any way she could. And worst of all, her heart broke because she didn't know what -- she didn't know if she could do anything at all.

Well, grandparents were supposed to be able to comfort foals. Esperanza wasn't a grandmother yet, but she felt like one.

"There are horses here who love you, Lightning. You need to know that," she said, smiling and nudging his chest, but her smile was a sad one. Because she knew that there was only so much her words could do. Family was one of the strongest bond in the world, and when a family was broken it caused an ache that was almost impossible to heal.

[[R].ebel]

'There are horses here who love you, Lightning. You need to know that'

As she nudged him, the black colt rested his head against her shoulder. Though the void was still there, it was comforting at the fact she was here. Esperanza may not have been related to him by blood, but she surely classified as the only family Lightning had.

"I know, Esperanza... but, the feeling doesn't go away..."

Lightning felt a little ashamed; he felt like he wasn't grateful for Esperanza being here helping him, and so he decided he'd at least show he was feeling a little better, although the aching pain still nagged at him. The black colt looked up at her with a brighter look in his eyes, a small smile at his maw. He nipped her mane playfully, adding to what Esperanza had said about horses who loved him.

"And I know your one of them."

[[esperanza]]

As the colt nipped playfully at her mane, Esperanza's smile widened. "There, that's better."

There weren't many foals this season, it seemed. Esperanza gazed at the herd below, which consisted only of a few scattered horses. She wasn't too concerned, of course --what reason was there for concern? --but deep in her heart she felt a troubled flutter as if some not-so-pleasant change was hanging, inevitable, intangable, in the air. And where were Spirit and Rain? Esperanza let out an involuntary snort of dissaproval. She watched over the herd more than they did.

Esperanza turned her thoughts back to the young black colt beside her. She didn't want to question him anymore about his background, fearing that it would put him through too much pain at the moment, but at the same time she just had to know. She opened her mouth, about to speak, on the edge of a question, but then thought better of it. The glint of sunlight on water caught her eye. "I don't know about you, but I'm thirsty." She prompted, taking a step in the river's direction, pausing to glance over her shoulder at him.

[[R].ebel]

'There, that's better'

Lightning gave a weak smile, the thoughts of his missing self still heavy on his mind, but it also seemed to him that things weighed heavily on Esperanza's mind. He didn't know what of course, but he figured it was probably something more than what he was feeling. Looking out over the herd as Esperanza did, Lightning counted the members; making a mental game of it.

'I don't know about you, but I'm thirsty'

Pulled out of his game, the black colt looked to Esperanza as she stepped towards the direction of the river. Lightning cocked his head at the offer, thinking on it for a moment before smiling. He trot-stepped to her shoulder and nodded his head in agreement.

"I could go for a drink."

The colt started in the direction of the river, but stopped short as he felt the ache tug at his chest. Lightning glanced back to the lands beyond the cimarron, eyes searching longingly, as if expecting something, or someone, to come but after a moment, despair sunk in at the reality nobody was there. With an inaudible sigh, the colt walked onward, following the palomino quietly.

[[esperanza]]

"I could go for a drink."

There it was--that innocent foal's smile--there it was for a moment. Esperanza smiled and started walking towards the river. It was born in the mountains as a swift running, rocky stream, but as it fell into the Cimarron lands it pooled into a slow, wide river that offered crystal clear water to the herds. It was swollen with snowmelt in the Spring.

Esperanza dipped her muzzle into the water--it was still a tad icy--and took a deep, long drink. Droplets falling as she lifted her head, the palomino glanced back at Lightning. He looked so distant.

She recognized the look in his eyes. Years ago she had had that same melancholy expression, as her son's absence tore at her heart. And then she knew: somewhere, someone was looking for that colt.

[[R].ebel]

The water was cold, still carrying the taste of winter with it. The black colt didn't drink much, lifting his head from the water as a few fish swam quickly by. He watched them for a moment; three of them, one smaller than the other two. A family? Most likely not, but it still pained Lightning to see such reminder of what he didn't have. In a slight of jealousy, Lightning's eyes narrowed, stomping a hoof in the water to scatter the fish. It just didn't seem fair to him. Suddenly, a noise from across the river alerted the young colt; more splashing. Looking up to see the cause, his eyes widened in surprise, and fear, at a black stallion... his eyes seeming to hold a red tint.

First instinct told the colt to stay near Esperanza, and thus he did. Though many times he had seen a black stallion in his flashbacks, only once had he seen one with this stallion. There was something strangely familiar about this one, but it was an eerie feeling, a feeling that drawed fear and hate in the colt. The stallion didn't seem to concerned about the colt and mare, giving them a cold and chilling stare, before dipping his head to drink. The more Lightning watched him, the more he feared him. Lightning knew this horse; he had met him once before just a few days after being born and it was the oldest memory Lightning could remember; this stallion and his father had engaged in battle; for what and for how long, Lightning never knew. He could only remember a small part of the battle... but he knew this was the stallion responsible. Stepping very closly beside Esperanza, he whispered in a low and shaken voice.

"Esperanza... I know him..."

[[esperanza]]

Esperanza watched the three fish with mild interest, and she wasn't expecting Lightning to stomp a hoof into the water without warning. The frightened fish swam off in three different directions.

An unfamiliar scent reached her nostrils and the palomino turned her attention to the strange stallion standing across from them. His pelt was the same pitch hue as Lightning's, but there was a cold menacing light in his eyes that the elder mare didn't like. The foal stepped closer to her and whispered in a shaken voice:

"Esperanza... I know him..."

Cold chills ran down Esperanza's spine, but she lifted her head to look the stallion in her eye. Cimarron horses were usually kind to rogues, but if this stallion meant any harm to Lightning, he would not be tolerated. For one irritated second Esperanza wondered why her son was always missing at times like these.

"Hello," she nickered to him, keeping her voice flat and even despite everything instinct was telling her. "What brings you to these lands?"

[[R].ebel]

'Hello. What brings you to these lands?'

Lifting his ebony head only after he had drank his fill, the black stallion looked on with a chillingly dark gaze, those red-hued eyes not making the look any better. In a voice as chilling as his look, the stallion spoke. "A drink..." Nostrils flared as they took the scent in of the mare and colt, the river seperating him from them, for now. The stallion decided to fix that little problem, and with a snort waded across the river, angeling himself down the bank a bit to keep his distance, knowing full well that he was on herd lands. A bad soul, yes, but Demon was no fool. Coming to stop on the bank, the black stallion took a moment to study the colt over, and it only took one glance to put a look of astonishment and bewilderment into his dark eyes. Though Lightning had now moved to the opposite side of the elder, Demon was able to see enough to swear this colt was familiar. If anything, Demon could have said this was his older brother as a colt! The colt was the spitting image of his brother as a youngster, but of course, now, Duke would be an adult not a child. With a snort, the black stallion started to make a wide half circle around the the two, studying them at every angle, stopping at the edge of the river to turn around and track his circle back., his eyes never leaving the colt, he stayed as close to Esperanza as he possibly could.

"Well... if I didn't know any better, I would say you are the spitting image of my brother..."

Demon was testing at the moment. Though this colt could possibly be the child of his brother, he wouldn't be able to know for sure unless he was told so... or Duke himself showed up. Demon knew his brother, and he knew that if he was near, he surely would not waste time in coming.

"Tell me, there mare, you look a little aged to have a foal as young as this one... he can't possibly be yours..."

[[esperanza]]

When the dark stallion spoke, Esperanza could of sworn that his voice was that of a corpse's. If he was trying to make a good first impression, well, he was failing. The palomino's ears involuntarily swiveled backwards as he crossed the river.

As if boundaries mean nothing--these rogues are getting far too bold, she thought. Placing one hoof solidly in front of Lightning and stretching her neck out so that her head was level with her withers in a protective motion, her brown eyes followed the unwelcome stallion as he half-circled her. She almost missed the astonished look in his eyes as he seemed to be studying the colt. Almost.

"Well... if I didn't know any better, I would say you are the spitting image of my brother..."

You must make a lovely uncle then, Esperanza thought sarcastically, but she didn't voice her thoughts. Even in the prescence of someone who made her skin crawl she tried to be polite.

"Tell me, there mare, you look a little aged to have a foal as young as this one... he can't possibly be yours..."

Aged? The word stung Esperanza's pride, but she supposed he was right. Again the memory of the reflection with her grayed muzzle flickered through her mind. Yes, she was aging--oh well, it happened to everyone.

"It's custom for the older members of the herd to look after the young ones," she said simply.

[[R].ebel]

'It's custom for the older members of the herd to look after the young ones'

Not exactly the answer he was looking for, but Demon was a patient brute, able to pick through the minds of others through his provoking and vial words. Continuing his pace, he noticed the colt, eyes glaring at him with more hate than anything, ears pinned flat to his head. It was clear Lightning did not like the prescence of this horse, but what could he do about it? Stopping at an angle to the two, Demon looked at the mare with a tilted his head, nodding his head in response as if actually interested in her words.

"Quite so... But... shouldn't his mother have that job?"

Lightning's heart sank deeper than it ever had been at the chilling words of the stallion, the words laced with a sickly humor. The truth was evident: Lightning's mother wasn't here, nor would she ever be. At the pain that flashed in the colt's eyes, a hardened flicker of smile crossed the muzzle of the black stallion, Demon seeming to draw amusement from the pain of the memories that he did not even realize he was drawing up in Lightning.